Back in Action
Current mood: bitchy
Category: Life

i havent blogged in forever, christ!

anyway, im sore and bitchy. I just installed like 50 new computers for a temp office for employees at the uni who are displaced during some building renovation.. i could have stayed at the tech desk. why do i volunteer? god.

anyway, more stuff

alot has happened since my last blog but ill try to keep it brief.
(names withheld )
in august i got myself into two silly relationships that werent going anywhere... I'm sorry J, but we still talk, so you know what happened as far as M goes... well, that was me being hurt, stupid, and impatient. It went way too far and way too fast for what it was. I finally did end it and am happy I did, sortof. So both of these were placeholders so to speak for my best friend M2 who I've known and been madly in love with for four years almost at this point. Finally I got my chance when I should have had it last summer, don't ask, anyway it turns out i really didnt get my chance, M2 has some issues which are hers to talk about or not so we'll leave them be, but suffice it to say alot of crazy shit got in between us and shortly after we got engaged, we then got un-engaged (yeah it isnt a word) I tried my hardest to hold it together after that up until now because I didnt want to lose a lover, a confidant, and a best friend but it looks like the issues are determined to steal all of that from me. Not only am I single, but all of that wonderful communication we had, even as only friends for so long, is completely gone. I am an outsider, a threat, and an enemy, and that hurts more than I believed possible at this point.

I guess, in a way it's refreshing to know I still have emotions hidden under my armor, but everytime I find them, a knife sneaks under there too. It punctures deep within me and lets out my own little demons which just aggravate the wound. I'm just a huge gangrenous leper with a heart of gold, sigh.

I also got back in touch with A my first ex, and the talk was nice and some bad decisions were about to be made which I am glad ended up being retracted, because I was vulnerable enough to think I may be falling for her again. Luckily she pulled back away and that saves me from being an idiot. Truth be told though, I still wish I could find someone like her to make me feel even better than she did before the cheating and the lying. So far only A and M2 are anywhere near what I want. I was really happy with M2 but that's irretrievably lost.

I just need to be held right now, I need to know that I matter to someone more than as a friend, I need to be that special something they think of all the time. I need a female version of me. I may dive in too hard or too fast but after this much pain not only do I need the standard nurturing, I'm severely lovey-dovey-dehydrated so to speak. I'm not a lawn that needs watering, I'm a plant in a pot that hasn't been watered in ages, I can soak up the whole watering can and keep going.

umm yeah what else... gen con coming up, cool deal.
Nick wants me to go to blizzcon which would rock if i could afford it.
i'm back on dating sites. yeah im a loser.
I need to update this, but myspace sucks.. fb is better... or was, whatever
I'm bored and lonely
I'm broke and the army is a bunch of jackasses trying to take money back from me
indiana jones comes out tomorrow night at midnigt
I'm back to my nerd-fests on wednesdays which is cool (thanks guys for being there for me, seriously)
my 360 finally gets back from repairs on friday.

there's more, but im rambling as it is and cant remember most of it. I can post more if i think of it and am motivated enough to do so.

ongoing disclaimer: typing is a strong suit for me, but i let myself go in blogs. screw you if you notice any typographical errors or grammatical errors, or ill start typing in french, spanish, and latin. Merci et au revoir mes amis.

--EDIT--

yep i remembered something else..

I found out i only have 3 semesters left until graduation so I plan to get them all packed full of 18 credits plus a 6 credit summer semester in London to finish everything off.

I'm a member of Psi Chi, the natl honors society for psychology, and also got elected Vice President.

I found my ideal grad school, University of Liverpool has a Masters in Investigative psychology, if i cant get that there's always Brunswick in british colombia for a PhD in Forensic Psychology. Either way I want to get a doctorate so after Liverpool I'll have to do more anyway.. idk.

also i still would rather open my arcade and be comfortable, i dont need to be rich but I have some personal AND some professional reasons for wanting to be able to hunt down and track and arrest rapists and serious felons. they have touched my life and my resolve is further strengthened with rcent events.